As you might you know, if you keep up with this blog, I am not an avid outgoing guy. I don't talk a lot, especially in big groups. And that's something that I try to change. Which is why I decided to lead my community project group. I want to change, I force myself to be something that I am not. step out of my comfort zone.
(side note: There seems to be something stuck in my throat, and I have tried to wash it down, but it isn't budging. What should I do. )
And I did, hence the leading position. I think I have done a fairly decent job as of yet, however it still feels like I am not able to connect with my teammates as a leader should. I am heavily influenced by movies and you always see the leader persona in movies, especially, sport oriented ones like Jerry Maguire, Moneyball, The Big short, the Godfather etc. I try to, dare I say, replicate the attributes portrayed in such movies in my own work. I still feel, however, that my team isn't responding to me. If we have a meeting, say, for the project where I have to talk to them for half hour straight, I make sure to leave my video on all the time. Its a classic domineering slash confidence tactic I think which helps with the message that I deliver and the strength of said message. Why don't I get a response to my liking?
I wish I could, but I can't exactly send a severed horse head to the member that is being unattentive, can I. There isn't a stable close by to where I am staying. How do I get them to respond to me in a way that is to my liking. It's not like there is an ego problem. It just works better, I think, if they were to, say switch on their camera, for starters. Maybe it is a symptom of not being able to see them in person. Maybe it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with a subconscious longing to meet people. I am so lonely these days. The quarantine has really given me a perspective on how I characterize the people around me. The ones I talk to. The ones I consider my friends. And I have recently come to a conclusion. They don't give a shit.
A few of them do, of course, but not as many as I had hoped. Like I said, I changed my ways. I made sure to reach out to them. Me, a man with possibly the most apathy of all the people that I know. So why does it feel like I got the short end of the fucking stick. Why do I feel so miserable suddenly?
It''s a funny thing isn't it? Everything is funny. I am doing my damnedest to keep connection with those that I think are close to me. Except, they do not think the same. God, I just..... I don't know what to say. I don't feel so good. I am not happy. I am just living. Getting through the day. Right now, that is more important for me.
Also, I have been eating almonds for the past hour. I just realized that the bag is filled with ants. I have been coughing ever since.
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